How (and why) to help children make choices based on their age
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Letting kids weigh in on daily decisions can be tough, but it is an important skill to help them build. Learn how to teach kids to make their own choices based on their age.
Helping kids make a decision usually starts with something as simple as picking the red sippy cup or the orange one. Then, in the blink of an eye, they’re deciding where to live and whether to go to college, and you’re sobbing happy and sad tears in the car.
Teaching your child to make their own choices can be one of the most valuable skills you can give them, but figuring out when and how to do it can be nervewracking and confusing. If you let them have too much freedom too soon, they may think they run the household. On the other hand, if you control every decision for them, they could rebel just to prove they can make a decision without you — or become too afraid to do anything on their own.
Fortunately, there are ways to offer choices that are actually developmentally appropriate and ones that empower your kids without totally overwhelming them. It just all really depends on their age and how much energy you have.
Here’s the info you need to guide them through decision-making in a way that helps them grow into independent and thoughtful people — without making your life harder in the process.
What are the benefits of giving kids choices?
It can be really scary to give kids choices, but doing so is actually one of the most powerful ways to help them develop essential life skills.
When kids get to make decisions—either big or small—it teaches them how to think for themselves, understand consequences, and feel confident in their own abilities. Here are six reasons why:
1. It builds independence and confidence: Whether it’s choosing their shoes or deciding which sport to play, every little decision can help them trust themselves. Confidence typically comes from doing and learning.
2. It strengthens problem-solving skills: When you let kids make age-appropriate decisions, they learn to weigh options, anticipate outcomes, and make better choices. Sure, from time to time, they will pick the wrong thing, but that’s all a part of the learning process.
3. It gives them decision-making practice in a safe environment: Giving children choices early on can help them flex their decision-making muscles while they still have a safety net.
4. It reduces power struggles: Kids tend to push back when they feel like they have zero control. Giving them small and meaningful choices—within limits—can help them feel like they have some say in their world. Plus, when they feel heard, they’re usually less likely to fight you on every single little thing.
5. It helps with emotional regulation: Your child also needs to understand why they make choices. When your child is given choices and guided through the process, they start to connect decisions with emotions. Over time, this can help them tune into their feelings and make choices that support their wellbeing.
6. It teaches responsibility: Letting kids experience the natural consequences of their decisions is usually the best way for them to learn responsibility. If they insist on wearing their rain boots on a sunny day and their feet get sweaty, that helps them learn.
How to teach kids to make choices (based on their age)
Giving kids choices really depends on knowing what kinds of decisions they’re actually capable of handling at their specific age. By doing this, it can help them feel empowered and not overwhelmed, and you can maybe even avoid a few meltdowns. (If you, or they, get overwhelmed, here are six tips to find relief.)
Here are some ways you can help set them up for success so that they can feel confident in their decisions, based on their age.
Toddlers (ages 1–3): Simple choices, big feelings
Toddlers have little life experience but very strong opinions. Offering simple and structured choices can help them feel independent and lead to fewer tantrums.
Some choices you can offer include:
Food choices: “Do you want an apple or a banana for a snack?”
Clothing choices: “Are you feeling the striped shirt or the train one today?”
Activity choices: “Do you want to play with blocks or color?”
Book choices: “Would you like to read ‘Goodnight Moon’ or ‘Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See’?”
How you can support them mindfully:
Avoid open-ended questions. Asking them, “What do you want to wear today?” could result in them picking a superhero cape and no pants. Instead, try, “Would you like the sparkly dress or the pink pants?”
Be consistent. Toddlers tend to thrive when they have a routine, so offering choices within a structured environment can help them to feel safe.
Stay calm. If your toddler refuses both options, try to stay patient and reframe: “These are your choices for today. Would you like to pick, or should I pick for you?”
💙 Listen to A Patient Gardener from Jay Shetty if patience isn’t your strong suit.
Preschoolers (ages 3–5): Exploring preferences and independence
When children are ready to start preschool, they tend to have stronger decision-making skills. This is a great time to introduce slightly more complex choices while still keeping clear boundaries.
Here are some choices you can offer:
Morning routine choices: “Do you want to brush your teeth or put on clothes first?”
Play choices: “Would you like to go to the park or draw with chalk on the driveway?”
Friendship choices: “Do you want to invite Mia or Jack over to play?”
Responsibility choices: “Would you like to feed the cat or help set the table?”
How you can support them mindfully:
Offer flexible structure. Let them choose, but within reason. “Would you like carrots or broccoli with your lunch?” is a much better choice than “What do you want to eat for lunch?”
Use choices as a cooperation tool. Instead of demanding things like, “Put on your shoes,” try, “Do you want to wear your gym shoes or your sandals?” This way they’ll feel in control without realizing you’re still setting the options.
Encourage decision-making. Praise and celebrate their choices: “Great job picking out your pajamas! I love how comfy they look.”
School-age kids (ages 6–12): Learning responsibility and consequences
School-age kids are capable of making more thoughtful decisions — and even learning from their mistakes. This is where natural consequences can become an amazing teacher. Around this age, it’s a good time to give them choices that help them take on more responsibility without leaving them floundering.
Some choices you can offer:
Clothing choices: “It’s cold outside. Do you want to wear a jacket or a hoodie?”
Homework and time management choices: “You have about 30 minutes of homework tonight. Do you want to do it before or after we have dinner?”
Money choices: “Do you want to save your allowance for a big toy or spend it on something a little smaller now?”
Activity choices: “Would you like to sign up for soccer or dance this year?”
How to support them mindfully:
Let natural consequences do some of the work. If they refuse to wear a coat, they’ll be cold, and next time, they’ll most likely grab it without battling you.
Let them make small mistakes. This is a safe age to let them learn from choices in a low-stakes way. If they spend all their money at once, they’ll experience what it feels like to suddenly have none left, and that’s okay.
Encourage reflection. Ask, “How do you feel about the choice you made?” rather than jumping in with “I told you...”
💙 If you’re looking for the right words to discuss consequences with your kids, Jay Shetty’s Faults vs. Mistakes can be a great resource.
Teenagers (ages 13–18): Real-life decision making
Adolescence is when decision-making skills really start to matter. While they definitely still need guidance, they also need space to make mistakes — and then learn from them.
Here are some choices you can offer:
Academic choices: “Do you want to take AP classes or focus on your extracurriculars this semester?”
Curfew and social choices: “You can stay out until 10pm on the weekends, but if you’re late, you lose the privilege going forward.”
Work and money choices: “Would you like to get a part-time job or babysit for extra cash?”
Future planning choices: “Do you want to explore college, trade school, or a different path?”
How you can support them mindfully:
Shift from “giving choices” to coaching decision-making. Instead of just setting rules, help them think through the pros and cons of their choices. When they feel respected, they’ll be more likely to actually listen to you.
Teach them to weigh risks and benefits. Encourage them to consider the short-term and long-term outcomes of their choices.
Let them make mistakes (within reason). If they oversleep and miss an important event, they’ll learn not to do that next time.
Respect their autonomy. Teens generally need to feel like their voice matters. The more they feel heard, the more likely they are to come to you for advice when they’re really in a bind.
Making choices for children based on their age FAQs
At what age should children start making their own choices?
Kids typically start making simple choices as early as one year old. As they grow, their ability to make more complex decisions should expand. By elementary school, kids should understand cause and effect — for example, if they don’t make time to study, they’ll fail the test.
On the other hand, teenagers should be making real-life choices with guidance, like managing time, money, and responsibilities. The goal is to gradually build their confidence so that by adulthood, they can handle bigger decisions without panicking.
What kind of choices should children be involved in making?
Kids should make age-appropriate choices that help them build independence while still having safe boundaries. Young children should make simple and low-stakes decisions like deciding between apples and oranges, while slightly older kids should have more say over things like after school activities or how they spend their time.
In general, teens should be making choices that impact their future, like balancing school, work, and their social life. A good rule of thumb is typically to involve them in decisions without giving them full control over things they aren’t ready for yet.
What is age-appropriate decision-making?
Age-appropriate decision-making means giving your kids choices that match their current developmental stage. A toddler can pick the toy they want to play with, a school-age child can choose their playmates, and a teenager can decide which extracurricular activity they want to do.
As they get older, you can gradually increase their responsibility and help them learn from mistakes in a safe way. They won’t always get it right, but that’s part of the process — better they learn consequences now than when the stakes are way higher.
What are ways to give my kids more choices?
A good way to give your kid more choices is to start with small and structured choices and then gradually expand their decision-making power as they mature.
You can let them pick their clothes, choose between two snacks, or decide how they want to spend their afternoon. As they grow, you can slowly start to encourage them to think through their choices and learn from their natural consequences. The more they practice decision-making in a low-risk way, the better prepared they’ll be for bigger life choices later on in their life.
How can I support my kids' choices more mindfully?
To help support your kids’ choices more mindfully, guide them instead of controlling their decisions. You can ask them questions that help them think more critically like “What do you think will happen if you don’t wear a coat today?”
Another way you can support them is to allow natural consequences to happen to teach them (when it’s appropriate). Also, even when a choice doesn’t work out, try to validate their feelings and help them reflect on what they’d do differently next time. Decision-making is a skill and it takes practice and patience.
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