How to (actually) let go of resentment in your relationships
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
When you feel you’ve been wronged, it can be hard to move on. But why? Explore the signs of resentment, how it impacts your wellbeing, and 9 ways to let it go.
Relationships can be hard, even the good ones. Sometimes, especially the good ones.
When you care deeply for someone, you want things to be breezy, but with certain people, you might also be mentally tallying every time you’ve bitten your tongue to keep the peace.
And then there’s a moment—maybe over a missed text, a joke that feels mean, or having to take out the garbage yet again—when you realize something’s off. You’re feeling something that’s not quite anger but seems more than annoyance. It’s resentment.
Resentment is the unspoken weight you carry when someone who matters to you lets you down. While it might feel overly dramatic to bring it up, the truth is that holding onto it can poison your relationships. It can also chip away at your ability to be open and connected with others if you let it.
But how exactly are you supposed to let it go? Let’s dive in.
What is resentment?
Resentment is what happens when someone crosses a boundary and doesn’t repair the situation. It’s the emotional buildup from unmet needs and unexpressed hurt. Unlike anger, resentment usually simmers and quietly settles into your system until things start to feel off.
Many times, it can show up as withdrawal, coldness, or even going through the motions while silently keeping score.
Feeling resentful is usually a signal that something in you needs a little more attention. Take the time to give it attention without shame and self-blame.
4 signs you feel resentful
The not-so-fun thing about resentment is that it’s sneaky. It tiptoes into your emotional attic and starts unpacking its bags. Then, before you know it, you’re living with it full-time, and it’s messing with your heart and your mental wellbeing.
Here are four giveaways that you’re struggling with resentment:
You replay conversations in your head like a courtroom drama: You’re not just a little upset; you’re preparing your closing arguments.
Small things set you off: Something as small as a forgotten text feels like a personal and vicious attack.
You keep score: You start mentally tallying and remembering every little thing they’ve done so that you can use it against them.
You feel drained after interactions: Even when nothing “bad” happens, encounters with them leave you feeling emotionally exhausted.
Why it can be so hard to let go of resentment
Letting go of resentment can be tough because it shows up as protection. You’re trying to shield yourself from hurt because you felt dismissed, unseen, or unsupported.
Resentment can also appear when you’re waiting for an apology or hoping someone will finally understand the impact of their actions. Letting go can feel like releasing that hope, and that’s its own kind of grief.
Try to remind yourself that you don’t have to suddenly wake up one day and release all of your resentment at once. All you have to do is to start a little bit at a time — gently, and at your own pace.
4 ways resentment can impact your wellbeing
Many people think that if they just tell themselves that they’re not feeling resentful, it will be true, but your body knows the real truth. Here’s how resentment can really mess with your wellbeing:
1. It keeps your nervous system on edge: Feeling resentment can feel like a car alarm in your chest. It’s loud, continuous, and hard to ignore. It also tends to trigger stress responses that can possibly leave you agitated and emotionally worn down.
2. It distorts your perception: When you’re feeling resentful, everything tends to get filtered through a “they don’t care” lens. This can then lead to small slights feeling like huge betrayals.
3. It blocks connection: Being resentful can potentially numb your ability to be vulnerable and can cause you to pull back because closeness doesn’t feel safe anymore. This can be a real recipe for loneliness.
4. It takes up space joy could live in: Resentment tends to hog your mental bandwidth and can leave little room left for other things like ease, laughter, joy, and love.
How to let go of resentment in relationships: 9 tips to help you move on
Letting go of resentment isn’t about pretending everything’s fine. You don’t have to just swallow your anger with a smile or give people endless passes. It’s about liberating yourself — not carrying the weight of someone else’s behavior and creating space to feel your feelings.
Here are nine ways you can do that without skipping over your pain or becoming a doormat.
1. Name the resentment out loud
Before you can let something go, you have to name it. Acknowledging the hurt can help you get more in touch with what you’re feeling. You could write it down, say it in the privacy of your bedroom, or just whisper it to your car. Whatever works for you.
Let your truth breathe so that it doesn’t fester in silence.
2. Get specific: What’s underneath the resentment?
Resentment is a symptom that something else is going on. It means there’s a need that’s been unmet, like recognition, fairness, or honesty.
Ask yourself:
What was I needing that I didn’t get?
How have I been trying to get that need met?
Have I clearly communicated that need, or have I expected them to just know?
If you’re having trouble checking in with yourself, here are 10 mindful questions that can help.
3. Ditch the idea that letting go means approval
Remind yourself that forgiveness is not the same as saying it was okay. You can still release resentment and also hold someone accountable for their actions. You can create firm boundaries, speak your truth, and let go of the bitterness you’re carrying.
Letting go is something you do for yourself, not for them. (If forgiveness doesn’t come easily to you, here are eight tips that can help.)
4. Have the conversation
If this relationship matters to you, a gentle, honest talk can go a long way. Stick to what you feel, what you need, and what you hope for instead of pointing fingers.
Use “I” statements to keep things grounded. You could say something like, “I’ve been feeling off lately, and I think some of it comes from unspoken stuff between us.” Or, if you’d like to be more direct, try: “I realized I’ve been holding onto some hurt that I never shared. Can I talk about it with you?”
Need more support? Here are seven tips on how to communicate your needs in a relationship.
5. Stop expecting closure from people who can’t give it
The reality is that not everyone has the capacity to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused. Waiting for an apology can sometimes keep you stuck, especially if the person in question doesn’t have the capacity for it.
To get the closure you need, consider writing a letter you'll never send. You could also talk it out with a friend. Closure can be self-generated.
💙 Closure with Tamara Levitt can give you new insights on what to do with loose ends in a relationship.
6. Create or reinforce your boundaries
Resentment grows in the absence of boundaries. If you consistently say yes when what you mean no, your resentment is only going to get bigger.
Setting boundaries can help clarify what you need to feel safe and respected.
7. Check your stories
Resentment usually thrives on assumptions like, “They don’t care about me” or “They’re doing this on purpose.” But really, many people are just clueless.
Ask yourself: What story am I telling myself about this person? Is it definitely true? Sometimes, this can help soften the resentment.
8. Do a resentment release ritual
Ritual can give form to your feelings. To release resentment, you could try:
Writing the resentment on paper
Reading it out loud to yourself
Ripping it up, burning it safely, or flushing it
Then, say, “I am not going to carry this anymore. I choose peace.”
9. Work with your body to shift the energy
Resentment can settle in your body, but movement, breathwork, and grounding exercises can help you release it.
Here are simple things you can do that can help shift the energy in your body:
Shake it out. Literally. Move your body and let it go.
Take a long walk while talking it through with a loved one.
Try a grounding practice. Put your feet on the earth, breathe in support, and breathe out frustration.
💙 Listen to Grounding with Tamara Levitt to get more in tune with your body.
How to let go of resentment FAQs
How can I stop feeling resentment in my relationships?
Start by getting curious about what’s behind the resentment. Ask yourself what needs went unmet. Resentment typically thrives in silence and ambiguity, so the more clearly you can name what’s going on underneath it, the more power you have to shift it.
Some ways you can start this process are to set firmer boundaries, have a tough-but-loving talk, or simply acknowledge that you’re hurt. Also, as much as you can, give yourself permission to feel it without guilt.
Resentment is a signal, and once you become more aware of it, you can better decide what you want to do with it.
Are there reasons why it’s hard to let go of resentment?
Resentment can be hard to let go of because it feels protective. It’s the emotional armor we put on when we’ve been hurt and don’t want to be hurt again.
It can also help to keep us tethered to a sense of control — if I stay mad, then I’m still holding the emotional reins, right? But really, holding on just costs us our peace.
Many people feel like letting go is like saying “it didn’t matter”, but that’s not true. Letting go is about understanding and acknowledging your feelings, taking any needed actions, and moving forward so you can have peace again.
Can you let go of resentment without forgiving someone?
Forgiveness is deeply personal and doesn’t have to be part of your letting-go process — especially if the harm was serious or ongoing. You can release resentment without excusing the behavior, restoring the relationship, or even interacting with the person again.
Letting go is about choosing not to carry their mess in your body and your spirit. It’s not about pretending it didn’t hurt. It’s about saying, “This no longer gets to own me.”
How do I communicate that I feel resentful without causing conflict?
If you want to communicate that you feel resentful without causing conflict, approach the conversation with calm and clarity. Let your values do the talking.
A good rule of thumb is to focus on how you feel and what you need, rather than what they did wrong. You could say something like, “I’ve been feeling a little off, and I think part of it is that I haven’t talked about how that situation landed with me.” This can help open the door without pointing fingers.
Are there mindfulness exercises that can help release my resentment?
There are mindfulness exercises that help you release resentment. Simple grounding exercises—like these 18 techniques—can help you regulate your nervous system and release the physical tension that comes with resentment.
Some other good mindfulness exercises that can help are:
Practicing deep breathing while imagining yourself exhaling the resentment
Doing a quick body scan and noticing where the emotion is living in your body
Going on a mindful walk and focusing on your steps and surroundings
Calm your mind. Change your life.
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