Is invisible labor the reason you're stressed? 7 tips for relief
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Being a parent is a full-time job that comes with so many unseen tasks and decisions. Explore why this invisible labor often falls to women, and 7 ways to get some relief.
You know that never-ending mental checklist running in the background of your mind? The one that’s tracking when the paper towels will run out, whether the dog has been fed, and when your best friend needs a birthday text? It’s a list that no one else seems to see, yet somehow, everything falls apart if you stop keeping track. That is invisible labor in action, and frankly, it’s exhausting.
Women—whether they’re moms, partners, or just the ones who always seem to “have it together”—end up carrying an unfair share of this behind-the-scenes work, which can feel totally unfair. Invisible labor is not just about who physically does the dishes or folds the laundry. It’s about the thinking part of it. The planning, anticipating, and remembering how to keep a household (or a workplace, or a family group chat) running smoothly. And when no one acknowledges this work, it’s easy for the person who is keeping track of it all to feel like they’re doing (gestures wildly) everything while everyone else just coasts.
A neverending mental load can lead to increased stress, burnout, and even resentment in relationships. But it’s not all doom and gloom. We’re here to tell you that there are ways to offload some of this mental work if you’re the one who’s primarily taking it on. Here’s what you need to know about invisible labor so you can find some relief.
What is invisible labor?
Doing unpaid and unnoticed work to help keep life running smoothly is called invisible labor. It’s the mental weight of keeping track of everything. It’s the grocery list that exists in your head, the dentist appointments that you schedule, and the permission slips that you remember to pull out of your kid’s backpacks to sign.
Unlike visible labor, like cooking dinner or doing laundry, invisible labor happens in the background. It’s the planning, anticipating, and all the emotional effort that keeps the wheels turning.
While everyone has some kind of invisible labor going on, studies show that women carry the overwhelming majority of invisible labor, especially in relationships, families, and workplaces.
It’s important to note that anyone can experience invisible labor, so if you’re feeling overwhelmed by all that you're mentally taking on, it may be time to step back and reassess.
7 examples of invisible labor
Invisible labor can be a constant, low-level hum of responsibility that follows you through the day. If you’ve ever felt like your brain’s a messy desk covered in sticky notes, this might be why.
Here are just a few ways invisible labor can show up in your daily life:
1. Keeping track of schedules: You don’t just know your schedule, you somehow know everyone’s. If it weren’t for you, half the family, office, or friend group would be missing important events left and right.
2. Managing household supplies: You have a running tally of what’s running low before anyone else even realizes it. You do tasks like replenishing the toothpaste and making sure the fridge is always stocked.
3. Being the social coordinator: If it weren’t for you, birthdays and anniversaries would all be forgotten. You’re the one planning the playdates and always remembering that Susan from work doesn’t eat gluten.
4. Providing emotional support: When your partner needs to vent about their terrible day or your kids need a pep talk, you’re their emotional safety net — especially if you’re a woman. Unfortunately, women are often expected to be the default therapist and manage the emotions of everyone around them.
5. The mental load of parenting: If you’re remembering to pack lunches, keeping track of developmental milestones, and researching the best preschools, you’re doing invisible labor.
6. Workplace invisible labor: At work, women are usually more likely to take on office housework, like organizing events and mentoring new employees. These tasks don’t show up in performance reviews, but they do take up time and energy.
7. Anticipating needs before they become problems: Sensing when your kid is overtired before they start melting down and reminding your coworker to send that email before they miss the deadline is mental labor that often goes unnoticed.
Why do women tend to have more invisible labor?
It’s unfair that women are expected to manage their homes, relationships, and emotions, but it seems to be a reality for most. And many women take care of all of this on top of holding down full-time jobs. From childhood, women are taught to plan ahead and anticipate needs, while men are usually seen as “helpers” rather than equal partners.
A lot of times when women try to delegate, they’re met with statements like, “Just tell me what to do,” which is unhelpful because managing other people’s workloads is part of an overall workload.
Women may also face harsher judgment when things fall through the cracks. If Dad forgets a school lunch, it tends to be no big deal. If a Mom forgets, she may be met with a much harsher judgment.
Does invisible labor lead to increased stress for women?
The constant mental juggling act of invisible labor can keep women in a state of low-grade exhaustion, and might potentially lead to burnout, resentment, and even real physical symptoms.
Here are some ways invisible labor can take a toll on women:
Chronic stress & burnout: When your brain is always running through to-do lists, you never fully get to turn off. This constant stress can lead to fatigue, anxiety, and the feeling that even small tasks are too much for you to handle.
Decision fatigue: Being faced with too many tiny choices regularly could possibly cause your brain to go on strike and might make you freeze when someone asks you the simplest of questions.
Resentment in relationships: If you’re the one carrying the mental load alone, this can make you feel like a project manager—instead of a partner—and can lead to a lot of frustration.
Anxiety & mental overload: Constant pressure to track everything can make sleep, focus, and even fun feel impossible. Your brain needs a break, and so do you.
Trouble focusing: When your mind’s juggling everyone else’s needs before your own, it can lead to brain fog, forgetfulness, and feeling busy but never really productive.
Physical health issues: If you get sick the minute you slow down, this might be your body’s way of waving a white flag. Consistent stress can show up in your shoulders, stomach, immune system, and sleep cycle.
How women can get relief from invisible labor: 7 tips to help you stress less
In a perfect world, partners, family members, and workplaces would all magically step up so that women didn’t have to take on endless invisible labor. Sadly, we don’t live in a perfect world (as much as we wish we did). But, there are manageable ways that women can lighten their load without guilt— and without adding more to their plate.
Here are seven tips to help you if you’re taking on too much invisible labor so you can get some much-needed relief.
1. Name it to claim it
Invisible labor tends to stay invisible because no one talks about it, so call it what it is. Start paying attention to everything you’re managing and remembering.
Write it down if you need to. Every little task, every mental note, every appointment remembered at the last second. This might feel a little silly at first, but this exercise can be eye-opening for you and for the people in your life who have no idea just how much you’re taking on. (If it’s hard for you to express your needs in a relationship, here are seven tips to help you communicate better.)
2. Delegate without guilt
Hand stuff off without managing it from the sidelines. If you’re still the one tracking whether things get done, you haven’t really offloaded. All you’ve done is add more follow-up tasks to your mental list.
To help you truly offload, be specific and assign full responsibility. Instead of saying, “I need more help around the house,” say, “Can you be fully in charge of the grocery list and shopping every week?”
💙 Listen to Cognitive Overload with Jay Shetty if you’re mentally at capacity and looking for some solace.
3. Stop assuming responsibility by default
Instead of automatically taking on tasks, stop and ask yourself if you actually need to do it. Try to remind yourself that the world won’t collapse if you don’t step in.
Also, the more you step back, the more space you can create for someone else to step up. If a teacher sends an email about needing snacks for the class party, instead of immediately signing up, wait to see if someone else volunteers first. This is not something you need to automatically take on.
4. Use shared systems
If the household mental load exists only in your head, then it’s still pretty much your responsibility. When information’s available to everyone, it can stop being solely your job to manage it.
To move the invisible labor to the visible, use shared tools. Have a family calendar that everyone has access to, and can track. Also, consider having a communal household to-do list where tasks are clear and split up. This can help so everyone’s on the same page about duties so it’s not just your problem.
5. Stop treating self-care like a luxury
Treat rest like a requirement, not like a reward. If you wait until everything else is done before you take time for yourself, you’ll most likely never get a break.
Block out time for yourself in the same way you would for any other responsibility. Also, if you’re overwhelmed, you don’t have to take on anything else just because you “technically” have time. You’re allowed to say, “no”. You’re a person and not just a task manager. You deserve rest and joy. (Here are 30 ways to say “no” nicely if it’s tough for you.)
6. Have the hard conversations
The people around you can’t fix what they don’t see, and while it’s not your job to educate everyone, setting boundaries and naming the issue can be a necessary step toward making change.
If you feel like you’re carrying the load all by yourself with your partner, talk about it. You could say, “I feel like I’m responsible for tracking everything. I need us to share the mental load, not just the chores.”
Taking on too much in your family can be common too. You could say something like, “Can we all take responsibility for remembering birthdays so it’s not just on me?” (Here are 12 ways to find relief if you feel overwhelmed and like you’re taking on too much.)
7. Give yourself permission to let things go
Remind yourself that not everything has to be done perfectly and not every situation needs you to step in. If your partner does the laundry and it’s not folded your way, let it go. If your kid forgets their volleyball jersey, let them figure out a solution.
As much as possible, resist the urge to jump in and fix things. The people in your life will slowly learn, even if things have to fall apart a little. Give yourself a much-needed break and try to let things go.
💙 Listen to Learn to Let Go with Tamara Levitt if you want a little help in that arena.
Invisible labor FAQs
What’s the difference between visible and invisible work?
Washing dishes, taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn are examples of visible work. It’s the stuff that’s easy to see, and when it’s completed, it has a clear, tangible result.
On the flip side, invisible work happens behind the scenes. It’s the planning, organizing, remembering, and all the emotional effort that makes sure those visible tasks get done. It’s knowing that the detergent’s almost out, remembering to get more, and also making sure the dishes get done before you run out of clean ones.
What are examples of emotional labor?
Emotional labor is the unspoken responsibility of managing both your feelings and everyone else’s. It’s the effort that goes into making others feel comfortable and absorbing emotional stress so no one else has to.
This can look like remembering to check in on a friend who’s going through a tough time or diffusing a tense moment in a family argument. Also, unfortunately, women experience emotional labor when they’re expected to smile more or soften their tone in emails while they're at work.
How does invisible labor lead to increased stress for women?
Invisible labor can be mentally exhausting. When you’re the one responsible for keeping track of everything, your brain can feel like it never really shuts off.
This constant state of hyper-awareness can then lead women to experience stress, anxiety, and decision fatigue. Over time, this stress can build up even more and can potentially cause burnout and even exhaustion.
What are signs that invisible labor is affecting my mental health?
If you’re feeling constantly overwhelmed, drained, or mentally overloaded, invisible labor could be the culprit. Some common signs are regularly feeling like your brain never gets a break, worrying about what needs to be done, and constantly keeping track of details no one else seems to notice. You could also feel resentful towards the people in your life for not stepping up.
Other signs might include trouble sleeping, anxiety, and irritability. If you feel like you’re always carrying the weight of responsibility for everyone around you, it may be time to step back and reassess.
How can couples talk about balancing invisible labor?
Usually, the best way to balance invisible labor in a relationship is to have a conversation before your resentment boils over. If you’re feeling like you’re taking on a lot of invisible work, talk to your partner.
You could start by listing out the invisible work you do, then ask your partner if they can help take on some of that work. If they say, “Just tell me what to do,” gently remind them that managing the list is part of this labor, and what you want is for your partner to take on this labor without being told what to do.
The goal should be to create a shared mental load, where both partners are equally invested in keeping everything afloat. This could take a few uncomfortable talks, but real change starts with awareness, and a willingness to shift the balance.
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